You may be asking yourself: Is it ok to fire a bridesmaid? In short, yes it’s ok. Sometimes, for your mental health and the sake of maintaining a friendship with somebody, it’s the best solution. However, there are times where it’s best to tough it out and see if there are other solutions before reverting to your decision to fire a bridesmaid. Take a look at the steps you should take before firing a bridesmaid and follow our advice to do your best to still maintain the friendship.
We received this anonymous question:
I have two bridesmaids who are living abroad, one in America, one in Canada. My MOH has shown zero interest in anything to do with the wedding. If i speak about anything to do with the wedding, she brushes it off or gives a sly remark. Saying “loads of time” or calling me a “bride-zilla.” We went dress shopping she was throwing remarks that day, i really did not enjoy my experience! I ended up going dress shopping with my other bridesmaid and got a dress but my MOH hasn’t seen my dress or asked for a picture or nor has she shown an interest in it. I want her to come to me first and show an interest. She thinks her only role is to organise the hen.
Friendships shift during the wedding planning process.
- You may have had an expectation of how you’d like your friends to be and what you’d like them to do, and maybe their behaviour isn’t lined up with that expectation.
- Their capacity will be different to yours – both emotionally and the actual time they have available to do physical tasks.
- Your wedding is likely to be your biggest priority in your life, but your friends have other things going on (work, family, other financial commitments and so on).
So before just firing a bridesmaid, consider if you’re being realistic with your expectations. If you believe you are… then here’s what to do.
Our advice would be to begin by seeing if you can de-escalate the situation before you resort to firing your bridesmaid. If you’re feeling stressed about a number of things, it can be easy to feel like you’re over it and you want to skip the step of having an honest conversation and go straight to the firing stage. Let’s take a moment to breathe and see if we can fix the situation first.
Work out what’s upsetting you
Is your bridesmaid missing all the important appointments? Is she coming across like she’s not excited about any of your wedding activities? Perhaps you’re worried she isn’t as excited as she should be. Take some time to figure out if there’s something else going on. She may have something going on in her life, or maybe she’s stressed and overwhelmed. Figure that out before deciding to fire her.
Have an open conversation
You’d be amazed at how much better you’ll feel after initiating a conversation. Meet up in person, tell her what she’s done to upset you and remind her of the responsibilities she’s signed up for. Remind her that it’s important to you that she’s up there with you on your Big Day. And then give her the chance to speak. She may genuinely not know that she’s been incompetent, so hear her out!
Spend more time together
Surprisingly, you’ll find that you spend less time with your friends once you get engaged than you once thought. There will be so much going on and so many wedding things taking place. You might find that you haven’t had as much quality time with your bridesmaid as you used to have. Take some time to just hangout together and save the wedding talk for another time. Invest in your friendship and it’ll do wonders for how you’re feeling about the bridesmaid situation.
Ask if she’s still in
Don’t assume that your friend still wants to be a bridesmaid. If she has a lot going on in her life, it may come to the point where you want to ask her if she’s still in. Give your friend the option to tell you she should step away from the role, and then don’t be upset with her if she does.
OK, if you’ve gotten to this point of the article, you’ve probably tried everything else and gotten nowhere. This happens and it’s probably not your fault! If you’ve tried to mend the friendship, talk through expectations, and your bridesmaid is still upsetting you, this is how you can fire her:
Prepare for the worst
Before you begin, ask if you are willing to possibly lose a friendship over this decision. You don’t know how your friend is going to react and you may have to consider the worst case scenario.
Talk to her in person
This is really important. It’s not a phone call or text type of conversation. Meet in a public space where things can’t turn into a full blown screaming match.
Have an open conversation with your friend, but resist the urge to start name-calling and accusing her of anything.
Sure, you’re going to be respectful and polite, but it’s important to be direct. State exactly what you’re upset about and lay it all out on the table. Don’t beat around the bush and hope she understands what you’re saying.
There’s a good chance she’s going to want to know why you’ve changed your mind. Have this clear in your head and be prepared to share.
This is a two-way street and it’s important to own your role. If your expectations weren’t clearly laid out at the start of asking her to be a bridesmaid, then say that. Don’t pretend to be an innocent victim, because you are the one firing her.
Allow her to speak
End the conversation by allowing your friend to share what’s on her heart. She may know she’s dropped the ball, but she may also react defensively. Don’t get into a big argument about it, but let her say her piece and see if there’s still a chance you can maintain a friendship.
Accept the consequences
Things may be completely mutual and you may have a very pleasant conversation that goes better than expected. However, things could go the other way. She might decide she doesn’t want to attend your wedding and she may even decide that she can’t be friends with you anymore. If you are prepared for this, then begin the conversation. But if your desire to maintain the friendship outweighs how upset you are, then delegate her bridesmaid tasks to somebody else and let her continue in the role.